I'm So Not Qualified For This

For years now I've been giving advice to people who need it. Somehow in middle school it was decided that I'm trustworthy and after that people started spilling all their secrets to me. But you don't quite understand. When I say people I don't just mean my friends and classmates. No, strangers, random people I don't know! Like someone advertised that I was the advice giver or put some sort of spell on me that attracts people with problems. I'm not quite sure how, but for years I've been an advice giver to everyone from my friends to random people that I don't know on the Internet. I don't really mind it. I like helping people, but the thing is I'm barely ever qualified to give people the advice that they need. Basically all my knowledge that I share with people comes from nine weeks of a high school psychology class, reading, and listening to other people's problems. Still people come to me to figure out their problems for them. So, I've decided to fully embrace this role of advice giver and give you the advice that everyone asks about the most. It's all about love.

First off let's start with "How to know if you like someone." No more of that "He's really nice, but I don't know." Or "She's great, but kinda weird." Next time that someone asks you if you like someone ask yourself these two simple questions: 1. Do you want to hold their hand? And 2. Do they give you butterflies? Don't think about it- just answer. If you answer yes to those two questions then you can answer yes to the person who asked if you liked someone. That's easy enough right? So let's move on to something more complicated.

How do you know if someone likes you? Usually if you're trying to figure out if someone likes you, you like them and thus your judgement is clouded. So don't go with the "Well, he's been acting really nice to me." method. You're being too hopeful. People with a crush can turn a simple smile into a sign that someone loves them. Instead look at their eyes. If their eyes twinkle when they look at you then that means they probably like you. That or they got something in their eyes so they're watering. Or maybe they just have watery eyes. But generally if they look happy to see you that's a good sign. There really is no way to tell for sure though.

So how do you let someone know you like them. Usually people do this with a secret method called "flirting". I, honestly, am not a good flirt. I assume that me flirting would look a bit like a giraffe trying to run in high heels. A friend once tried to give me a lesson in flirting but it didn't go very well. There was some unnecessary hair flipping and then saying "Hey, what's up?" in a cute bubbly, slightly sexy way. The lesson didn't go any farther than that. First of all the unnecessary hair flip messed up my hair and I spent most of the time trying to get my hair to look right again. And then my "Hey, what's up?" was just kind of creepy and weird. My dad once told me that I should wear my hair in a ponytail and then take it down and shake my hair out whenever I pass a group of cute guys. Once again there's the whole issue of the hair thing. I especially don't think it's a good idea if you have curly or messy hair. It seems like it could wind up looking more painful than sexy. Oh and no cheesy pick up lines. Once this boy that looked like he was ten years old (maybe) tried to get mine and my friends' phone numbers by saying that he lost his little brother at the mall and was looking for him. So of course he needed our numbers in case we found his little brother (that we would of course recognize. sarcasm...) and he could call us. Wait what? Yeah, lame.
Well, I think that the only truly effective way to let someone know that you like them is to be very bold. Like really, really bold. Some people are like me and wouldn't know if someone liked them even if they hit them in the head with a giant sign that says "I LOVE YOU!" in big huge letters. Some people need more than huge gigantic hints. Sometimes the best way to let someone know you like them is to march right up to them and say "I have a crush on you. Will you go out with me?" The worst that could happen is that they say no and then you feel mortified and crushed and humiliated. So go for it!!!

Now how do you get people to like you? Well remember this. Be happy, smile and be fun. Try to keep all your whining, complaining and tragic life story to yourself or your friends, but preferably just to yourself. And like other people. If you like people, then people will like you! It's basic physics!

What about when you have a fight with your boyfriend/ girlfriend? You think this would be the easiest thing to figure out. You have a fight. You think it through privately and give each other space. Then you apologize. Don't get a friend to apologize or send messages for you, unless you're in fourth grade or something. Don't talk about how stupid the other person is during the fight. Think about it this way. No one is going to agree with you completely about everything but if the thing you disagree about is really important to you then maybe you weren't meant to be. On the other hand people fight all the time. Friends fight, parents fight, everyone fights. It's good to fight and let each other know how you feel instead of just pretending like you agree on everything.

What to do about exes? Don't do anything about an ex. Just leave them be. Don't talk about them or think about them or stalk them. If they're being a loser, it does not give you permission to be a loser too. And for every one's sake remember this- you know how much your friends hate hearing about how much you love someone 24/7? Well they hate hearing about how much you hate that person that you used to love even more. A friend's responsibility is to eat Ben and Jerry's and watch A Walk To Remember with you. They are not responsible for forming an anti (insert ex's name here) group to get revenge on them for breaking up with you. Sure if they do something really terrible like ask you out to prom as their back up date and then dump you when their first choice winds up being able to go you can have a bit of fun getting a little revenge. But please just leave the ex alone! No, they don't want to get back together with you. No, they aren't talking about you behind your back. And no, no one else cares.

What about staying friends with your ex? Uh...my answer is why? I can think of a few situations where this is maybe okay. Like if you were friends before and then dated for awhile but realized you liked being friends more. Or if they're going away, like moving or something and you don't want a long distance relationship but want to stay in touch. Most of the time I'm going to have to say no you cannot be friends with an ex. Mostly because when you break up it's like saying there is something about that person that you really don't like. Maybe you don't trust them or you fight all the time. Well why then would you want to be friends? I know the answer! Usually because you still like them. Even though the smart part of you says "I don't really trust them so we're breaking up." The stupid part of you says "I really like them." Well, you can't be friends with someone you don't trust. So listen to the smart part of you and determine if staying friends is really a good idea.

How do you make a long distance relationship work? Well, uh, if you're in high school then I don't really think you should. I have friends who don't live so nearby and it's hard staying in touch with them sometimes. There are lots of emails and phone calls and planning things weeks in advance so we can decide if I'm going to sleep over there or if they are going to sleepover here. Those are friends who live about 30 minutes away. And keep in mind we didn't start off with this distance. I've known both of the friends I'm talking about for years. So think about what a relationship is. What is a boyfriend or girlfriend? They take you out on dates, they hold your hand. That's not so easy to do when they live far away. So if you're in high school and you want someone to go on dates with and take you to school dances, I think the best idea is to look for someone who lives nearby. If you're willing to be in a serious relationship then you can make a long distance relationship work. In my opinion I think that the chances of a long distance relationship working out are pretty small. But hey, why not try?

Aren't you so happy? It's like all of my slightly cynical and great advice is written out and put in one place. I really don't know a thing about love, but trust me no one else does either. I've seen enough people mess up and break up to have a good idea of what is the right and wrong thing to do. Just have realistic expectations of people. Don't read Twilight and expect to find some guy who will stalk you and watch you sleep and save you from out of control cars. So go ahead- try and follow my advice. My best advice is to follow the advice you've been given.